‘No, I will not write, ‘dear diary’, because neither are you dear to me, nor are you my diary. So what do I write,
what ?……I’m missing my mother. I miss her smile and I miss the way she used to shout at me. But she did make me eat and did tidy up. I’m too scared to step into my room. The amount of mess that is probably there, has to worry anyone. Imagine if something is living amongst all the mess. The sofa has been good to me. I should really call her and invite her around. I’m good at cooking, she’ll come. Ok, that was easy to write. I know Dr Howard will read you, and he’ll probably be smiling at this sentence. I’m smiling myself. Ok, I’m going to take this seriously, well, take you seriously.
I, well, I feel like I’m drowning. I keep seeing her eyes. Frightened, one moment, happy, another. It’s as if someone is playing with my mind. It’s as if she is playing with my mind. I’ve tried forgetting her, but I always seem to find myself by her side. Was I driving a car? My brother and being in a car keeps revolving around my head.
Here’s something different…there always seems to be feathers. Black wings. Another mystery!
I can just imagine you making notes after reading this. Your pen swiping across the sheet, leaving droplets of ink. Left hand covered in ink, right??
Also, sometimes I feel like I’m the spectator. I feel like I’m watching the events take place. Other times, I’m watching it through my eyes. WHY ARE THE FACES ALWAYS A BLUR?!
Am I an angel in my dream? I felt a burning sensation at one point. She woke me up!
I’m grateful that I can no longer hear her voice. Wait, am I? No, I want to hear her voice. No, no, I don’t. It’s not real! What’s wrong with me??
So back to these feelings, I don’t think these feelings, this ache is being brought on due to guilt. I passed that phase.
My hands no longer shake. But, I still haven’t pushed myself to getting back into driving. (I know that I’ve already mentioned that)….ok, the next thing that has been in my mind, all day, today….
I had a dream about her again. This entry is getting rather long. So, I had a dream about her, again. There was this scene. She was trying to convince me of something, although, I’m not sure what, but I knew I was angry. Probably something to do with Daniel. I mean, she was kissing him. In front of me. It was all a blur. Even their faces. It felt as if I was trying to smudge it all out just so that I would not witness their faces. What does that mean? I heard dreams can mean something. But, I don’t want to dream about this anymore. I’ve had enough of these dreams. I was feeling jealous!! It’s insane. I know it’s related to the accident. But, how do I remove her? How I do I reduce her significance?
That’s all I have to offer today. But, I’m glad I wrote tonight. I know I’ll keep to this. She is a figment of my imagination. I know not who she is, how she is. That’s the best way forward. It’s just her eyes.
I mean, one would need a heart and mine was crushed, years ago. Let’s not go into this.
I think that I want her. I want to be with her? Only way to get rid of this ache. That didn’t even make sense!
Today was a tiring day. Work was normal. Intense, the usual. Opening up to Dr Howard was tricky today. I felt drained after it all. It was all a bit crazy. Explaining to him the dream and then nearly the jealousy that I felt and then realising the stupidity in it all.
I need to apologise for all the crossing outs today. But, I’ve been apologising for that, in every entry.
I believe that is it for today.
Oh, and I am not going to say that she is the sun in my heart. That’s too something. I’ll say, she’s the moon in my heart. Lighting my darkness.
The above was just my thoughts.
But there is one more thing.
My brother was emotional , but I just cannot remember when!
I keep remembering my dad and him arguing. I’m writing the same thing over and over again, but nothing more comes to mind.
Although, day by day, I’m becoming more and more apprehensive of Malaika. Again, I am not entirely sure why and that is disturbing enough. She’s my senior. I have no choice but to interact with her, after all, I’m a junior consultant.
Side note………I STILL CANNOT GET IN CONTACT WITH MY BROTHER AND NO WILL TELL ME WHERE HE IS! (I thought that I might as well include it for the first time).
Wait! Driving? Car? Me?
Why was I driving a car?
And why do I feel GUILTY???
Where did this guilt come from?