I wrote the below in 2015 but never did upload it. Thoughts were always left revolving around my head. I now see how much I have changed. Crazy, but have I completely changed? A question I don’t know the answer to, and after pondering of the question alone, I honestly do not want to know the answer to.
Out of the phase of denial? Maybe not fully, but changing as a person? Definitely. Life is simply a test. It is how well you handle it, and doing it on your own is never the best path to take.
By the way, try to see the beauty in everything. Turn into an observer and you’ll realise just how the smallest of things that people brush aside is maybe worth more than it may seem.
Me using analogies, falling deep into poetry to express myself has NOT changed (compare my writing to the below!).
I realised something else. Boredom takes over me if my mind doesn’t tick. Something I lost through the years. But a friend pointed out the type of person I am, which sent an explosion. I’m a researcher, who loves to absorb interesting information. I enjoy writing, but what is writing without the research?! (The convo had no connection with this, but was concerning another issue! Life)
How much have you changed? Make sure it’s positive because what is life if you surround yourself with negative thoughts? Only you control your thoughts. Thoughts that lead to actions and emotions.
It’s not easy, trust me, I know! But, also trust me when I say, we are STRONG individuals!
I’ve been told by some that it’s my eating habit. By others that it’s just me.
Forced to eat rice, fish, vegetables, chicken and red meat. I’m told that they contain the much-needed iron, vitamins A C D and E.
Constant pain is my new best friend and medicine is the answer, but we usually quarrel.
Yes, we argue every day over anything small, big, silly matter, simply over them all.
Yet, as I try to break our friendship, it refuses to leave.
Just smiling at my attempts, laughing with ease.
My back, my neck, head and arms, seem to like getting hurt and accept the pain.
But, I still try to fight it. Don’t they see that it’s driving me insane?
How many can bend, whilst silently accepting the excruciating pain, just to appear normal?
I don’t need their pity, their guilt, or their words to stand tall.
God likes to believe that I can handle the distress. He loves me, believes in me, shows me He cares.
Yet, ungrateful that I am, I can’t help thinking, questioning, wondering, pondering, why me? It’s just not fair. Is it? Is it fair?
Making sure I’m in complete darkness for no one to see,
I let the tears slide down my cheeks, I let them fall free.
Bloodshot eyes, runny nose and with non-stop deep breaths.
Headaches have returned but neck pain had remained, backache never left.
It’s hard to move without silent complaints, yet I walk to work with my head held high.
Solved maths equations, taught grammar and punctuation to the children, without a sigh.
Taken 4 years to diagnose me, to conclude the disease.
Have been sent to nearly all medical departments as they pleased.
Seen GPs, doctors, trainee doctors, repeated condition, events and symptoms.
MRIs, the X-Rays, Occupation therapist included. Not until my private chiropractor pointed to my spine, did the doctors look at my concerns.
I begin to question their ability, the empathy they once held.
I question how well my taxes are used, no no, the government and whether they had failed.
I question the beloved NHS that I rely on for the drugs I take.
As they never answer why or what the causes are. Don’t they realise that even I need a break?
So, again I question, each penny I work for, where does it go, where it is.
Because it does not remove my pain, the doctor watches my tears as I come to terms with another illness to add to the list.
My current doctor didn’t bother to offer a tissue, neither explain the symptoms nor what actions to take in order for a cure.
Just showed me the inflammation on my upper spine and dots in my brain, the meaning was.
A stranger on the bus brings a smile on my face.
I laugh at the jokes, accept his advice with grace.
You love your family, your friends, with the news you share.
You know, despite what the world thinks, at least the most important people you know, at least it is they who care.
There are those who are worse off, they are the true fighters.
But you peruse through what you’ve written, and decide that no matter how little or how much you’ll earn, no matter what gossip you’ll receive, you want to join the club of writers!
Journalism I love, creative writing I admire, pass me a pen and paper, with words I’ll never tire.
My thoughts above….hmm maybe didn’t come out the way I attended!