Kray – Fighting Within

I know this was wrong, but I couldn’t stop myself. When emotions take over, even the most rational thinker forgets logic.

She’s already recognised me, so it’s too late, right? Kray, stop all this nonsense and enjoy the moment.

Her lips were slightly chapped from the accident but her face had cleared up. Someone must have come in earlier to brush her silky black hair. I slid my hand up to her hair and allowed it to slip through my fingers. Her light moan pushed me to nudge my tongue pass her teeth.

I felt her cold hand slowly slide up towards my cheek. It wasn’t until she began stroking it that reality made its presence known. I abruptly stopped and moved my lips away from hers. I could see confusion etched across her face and questions in her eyes. I couldn’t do this. Removing her hands from my face, I moved from the bed and stood up.

‘What happened, Kray? Did I do something?’ Lily asked.

Looking down, I shook my head. The last thing I wanted to do was look into her eyes.

‘No, Lil, you did nothing. But I should not have done that. You’re weak, you’re vulnerable. I’m not. I should have stopped myself,’ I did not know how else to respond.

‘No, Lil,’ I said again. I was reading her thoughts. Not good. ‘Lil, I can read you. I don’t need to use the usual idiom ‘open book’,’ my statement was followed by a smirk. Yes, so I couldn’t control my body, both physically and emotionally.

I felt a sudden change of emotion. ‘Damn it, Lily!’ I punched the wall, leaving a crack.

Lily tore off the wires, connecting her to the machines, and jumped to my side. Taking my fist into her hands, she softly began rubbing it. I could feel the warmth spreading, not just down my hands, but through my whole body.

Closing my eyes, I just stood there imagining. Imagining what I couldn’t explain, but I could see her in the centre. Everything else was lost to me.

I felt her lips touching my hand. Scrunching my eyes, I pulled my hand away. This was torture! I fisted my hands and ignored the pain. I stepped back and walked to the opposite side of the bed, attempting to create a distance between us.

‘Lily, go back to bed. I’ll get Daniel to hook everything back up,’ but, she just stood there, staring at me. Confusion had turned to hurt, I could feel it.

‘I will win this battle!’ I seethed under my breath. What battle was this? Why am I building a wall? What am I doing?

‘I DON’T KNOW!’ Widening my wings, I shouted. My anger naturally brought along consequences. The chair had fallen. The night stand, filled with moisturisers and a jug of water, went flying against the wall. I created enough noise to wake up the whole hospital.

‘Where are the other patients? Why aren’t nurses or doctors running in?’ Lily whispered, calmly. ‘Why do I not feel pain?’

I turned away from her and picked up my shirt and started buttoning up. Realising that it was impossible, I shrugged on my white jacket instead.

‘Kray, your wings,’ she continued, but didn’t attempt to move from her position.

I looked down at the pile of feathers. My soft, black feathers. I didn’t respond, instead, put my full concentration on smartening myself up. With wings as large as mine, attempting to wear anything was useless.

Reaching down to pick up my stethoscope, I made a quick side glance. Lily had now climbed back into the bed. Again, I tightened my eyes and held my breath. I felt the hot salty water slide down my cheeks. Tears. I was once told that tears were supposed to ease the pain, but that can’t be true. If it was, then would I be feeling this ache, this longing, this never ending feeling of loss? But, she would never know.

No one had arrived. No one would arrive anytime soon.

‘Kray? Kray, please talk to me,’ I continued to ignore her. Right now, someone was mocking me, they were enjoying this. Their voices whispered, shouted, laughed, and rudely teased “Rules” in my head.

It’s not stubbornness, it’s not called being selfish, it’s not a one day one night relationship. It’s a feeling one can’t explain. You don’t need to know someone for months or years to develop such a feeling. You don’t need to know their likes, their dislikes, their favourites or their lifestyle. It’s not even an urge to have something you can’t have, it’s just a feeling. Something simple. In fact, so simple that there is literally no words to explain it. It’s strong enough to make you do a double take; to actually think whether to ignore it or not. And when you lean towards it, it holds you tight. It laughs at your vulnerability, but smiles at the determination to succeed. It stands proud to know that you’ve embraced it no matter what the consequences. But, it’s invisible to prevent you from telling others. It wants to be just yours; personal, for you to only feel it. This is what we call feelings. We name it emotions. We judge it to be the absolute truth. This is love. But as with everything, it’s a contract that warns you of consequences, telling you to be prepared for reality.

I couldn’t help but chuckle lightly to myself. I was told that this could lead to my destruction. Of course, I didn’t believe it. But reality had finally gotten through to me. Yes, it eats away your soul slowly, when the person you love with your life cannot be yours. That had already begun in her dream and I knew I was too weak to fight it. And knowing me, I wouldn’t want to fight it. I wanted her to be the first and last person in my life. I was her Guardian Angel after all. Whoever knew, we really had feelings?

My tears hadn’t stopped and my hands were shaking. How much longer I could last, I didn’t know.

Holding my shirt, I forced myself to smile.

‘A few more tears, Lily,’ I said. I felt another crack inside of me. She snapped her head up. She knew what was going to happen.

‘No, please no,’ she shook her head.

‘Daniel will clear all this,’ I gestured towards the mess. He would walk through the door in exactly one minute.

‘Lily, I’m…’ I faltered. I sincerely tried.

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